animesh kumar

Running water never grows stale. Keep flowing!

One evening…

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I remember her confirming, in a penurious tone, that she trusted me like anything. And today, when I asked ‘why do you love him so much?’ the same mood reflected in her voice. She loved him because ‘he’ loved her so much – at least this is what she told me. Her love was nothing but a mere ricochet of what he felt for her, or what he made her feel he felt for her. What if he were not loved her, if he were not let her know, or what if she had not read his diary, or what if I had come early…nothing can be said.

Love and trust! Are they same? Do they accompany each-other? She doesn’t love me, but trusts me the most. She loves him, but – as she trusts me more than anyone, more than anything – doesn’t obviously trust him much. Isn’t it disparaging? She talks hours-and-hours to me only to confirm what I am and what he is in her life. “You are different in some uniquely different way. And so is he. Both of you are different, like the two poles. He can’t become you; neither can you ever become him.” She said depicting two facets of the same thing, dichotomized yet connected ene-to-end at her, as if she was apportioned into two – Love and Trust. Both were needed. Both were there. But nothing comes free, especially something that you need urgently . You have to bear the cost, and she paid off with her soul. Torn into two, loved by two, desired by two, blamed by two, and hated by two she sat weeping over her own fate. ” Sometimes, I feel obligation for three lives. One wrong move of mine would mess up everything – good and bad. ” Love and trust had, at least, one aspect in common – both could imbue a tinge of responsibility, or in more practical term ‘concern’. Sublime with her trust and depraved with the scarcity of love I couldn’t even lend her my shoulder. Tears are a part of omens that would someday smooth her path, I thought. She wept for long until the silence crept in. Then, I could hear nothing.

To love and to trust is completely different from each-other. Love, by default, en route, brings trust with it – a trust which is not earned but given free in the package of love; a trust without any roots to manifest, without any ground to groom. It preys upon the skin of love. Though, people say, I love you because I trust you so much. But in practice only the opposite retains a sane truth – they love and henceforth they trust. Love is the base and trust is its leaves. As it happens in autumn when trees get deprived of greeneries, this trust too is meddled often and sometimes extinguished completely. Love is deserted by it utterly. They say, “Someone leaves because someone else is about to arrive.” Love lives on and on until some other love surfaces!

Trust, on the other hand, doesn’t carry love along. But it is hard-earned, not something frivolously bestowed upon like Love, and hence rare and extraordinary. See the world around you; it is filled with people who claim they love and love like anything, despite the fact that they don’t know what exactly love is; and trust?; no one trusts – in fact no one can accept the idea of unattached concern, unselfish care, and platonic relations. People understand what trust is but can’t trust anyone; they don’t know what Love is but claim to be in love always. How ironical? I wonder if trust can ever change into love, but am sure that it is incapable of destroying love – because it doesn’t have any.

Trust is earned; Love is won. You have to fight in balance with everything you have, putting your finest skills, longest dreams and deepest desires at stake. Since fighting is a strategy, love comes up as nothing but a game of policies.

In love, there is nothing like indigenousness. It creates itself; it discoveres itself. All it needs is a spark – a feeling that it is needed . Get this ‘ON’ and you would see love blossoming.

This is exactly what he did to her.

And, what about me? What did I do to her?

If trust is earned then I must have paid something for it. But she says that she trusted me right from the very beginning of our relation. If true, and if the prophecy of trust is true, then it’s not just trust. Then what is it? Is it tinged with love? Oh god! What am I talking about? Can a girl be in love with two men simultaneously? I wonder. I am not sure. But I want to be sure. Her love, at any cost, with any thing at wager. Anything… anything.

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Written by Animesh

August 8, 2005 at 12:06 am

Posted in Diary, Stories

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