animesh kumar

Running water never grows stale. Keep flowing!


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Today when I was coming back from the “Treasure Island“, I felt that I missed something. Though, I couldn’t precisely understand what. But I felt the presence of something that was probably absent. I groped for words and thoughts to fill that blank, but nothing could I avail myself. It hung in empty space, with blurred boundaries, choking to extinction. I flailed in that emptiness.

The new mall, recently opened in the city, has been a major attraction since its first day. I remember, when I first went there, I returned back from the entrance, I didn’t bother myself to brave the rush that prevailed inside.

And today when I went there, same rush welcomed me. I wondered if it waited for me to come in all these days.

However, once inside, I didn’t find any kinship with the rush inside, which had looked like it was meant for me, waited for me, made for me, which had looked so personal from outside as if I owned it; which now looked so distant as if I didn’t exist at all. From outside, it attracted me with a fascinating sense of individuality, promising to spare its enormity for me, assuring me of my place, my identity; but from inside, it acted as if I was no-one, nothing but a lost version of once known individuality. It absorbed me. Completely. Thoroughly. It tried to make me feel at home. It acted as if I were a part of it, its family member; and therefore I must not seek for my own self, I must absolve my selfishness for its selflessness. It haunted me. It left me blank. And while returning I was torn between losing something and saving something – both at the same time.

I was not able to understand what I lost or what I saved. But once out, I felt safer. I felt at home. I gained my individuality.

I looked back to it, and it again attracted me with same promises, same assurances, and same kinship. I wondered if it was natural, or a deliberate effort. However, I smiled, and it smiled back – a beguiling smile, a covetous quip. I moved forward.

On the way back home, I mulled over my own thoughts. Astonishingly, my thoughts were wandering, and eventually pulled me towards my New Year resolutions.

On the eve of New Year night, I had discovered a new theory. That: this world is a channel – in essence. I don’t know what was there before life, or what would be there after it, but certainly, life is a channel. A channel that shapes you, and teaches you and helps you become what you actually should become. That: you are essentially the greatest, the supreme most, beyond everything, and above everything. This channel, life, is only to make you realize this pristine theory.

That day, I had resolved to achieve that greatest height that is destined for me. And I would not yield to anything. Ellsworth Monkton Toohey had said: some people are to enjoy, and some to rule. I would not succumb to any enjoyment since I am made to rule.

Perhaps, this was why I could survive losing her.

Or, have I really survived?

She was very much like this new mall: near from far, far from near. Ah! She was so much mysterious. She could stir me into deep turmoil; she could calm me into oceanic peace; all with just her looks. She was so puissant, so powerful. But, why am I writing she was; she is, she is still mysterious, still powerful. So much so that when yesterday I asked her why, she equivocally retorted in a chintzy, sad, poignant poem, and I forgot all about my tumult as her pain took over me, my existence.

Exactly as the mall had taken me.

So many things in life are similar, aren’t they?

Written by Animesh

January 17, 2006 at 12:26 am

Posted in Diary

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