A sarkari (governmental) job secures you, protects you from asperities of life!
They said this. She believed this. Time passed by, I remained confused. She remained determined to get me a sarkari job, I to chuck off any such predicament.
She wanted security, I cherished insecurity, believing that “the best comes only at extremes”, and “extremes only when you have something to lose” and security stagnates you, leaves nothing to your fear, unless you go all the way round.
“DRDO! Amazing na…” She proclaimed – when we met after the long final semester – when I had told her about my campus placement scenario.
“…you didn’t take its test.” She turned red, gaping at me as if I were a thorough moron, incapable of understanding security, love, or life. Nothing! Capable of nothing, I was just a moron.
“No. I didn’t want to.” I said straight-forwarded, stole my face from her constant stare and fixated my mind over the Chinese noodles.
That one job, made me lose her. That one job, one sarkari naukri. And you say it protects.
I didn’t opt for it, meant I didn’t understand it – and didn’t at all value it: security. Everyone out here is on a constant hunt for security, for safety, protection, defense, guard, shield. Except me. I abandoned it and weeks later, was abandoned by her.
She made it to a sarkari daftar (Government office) today. Must be happy!
I am happy for her. I want to share it with her, the way I could have, only if things weren’t changed in the following years.
She is secure. She got what she had envisioned to get, of course via me then, vicariously, and now on first hand. I was useless then. I am useless still.
What I want…I don’t know. Do I want her?
No. I can’t want her.